So today is September 1st, and it's Sunday! So like last Sunday's post stated, I have decided that Sunday's will be a little more
of a serious topic. Each Sunday I will try and pick something that
matters very strongly to me. Today I am exhausted though. I did not get much sleep last night as my insomnia had kicked in. So being lazy today and tired I thought I would put up an article .
Psych Central 9 Things not to say to someone with mental illness
By
Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.
Associate Editor
Julie
Fast’s friend went to the hospital for a terrible colitis attack. “It
was so serious they sent her straight to the ER.” After reviewing her
medical records and seeing that her friend was taking an antidepressant,
the intake nurse said, “Maybe this is all in your head.”
When it comes to mental illness, people say the darnedest things. As
illustrated above, even medical staff can make incredibly insensitive
and downright despicable remarks.
Others think teasing is okay.
Fast, a coach who works with partners and families of people with bipolar
disorder, has heard stories of people getting teased at work. One
client’s son works at the vegetable department of a grocery store. He
has obsessive-compulsive disorder and poor social skills. When his
symptoms flare up, his coworkers will ask questions like, “Why do the
labels have to be so perfect? Why do they have to be in line like that?”
They’ve also teased him about being in a psychiatric facility.
But most people — hopefully — know that being an outright jerk to
someone about their mental illness isn’t just inappropriate and
ignorant. It’s cruel.
Yet there are moments when even neutral words may be misconstrued, because the person is in a vulnerable place, according to F. Diane Barth,
LCSW, a psychotherapist and psychoanalyst in private practice in New
York City. “The truth is that it can be complicated to find the right
comment to make to someone who is struggling with emotional
difficulties.”
This is why it’s so important to educate yourself about helpful things to say. In fact, Fast, author of several bestselling books on bipolar disorder, including
Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder, believes that we have to be taught what to say. “It’s not innate at all to help someone who has a mental illness.”
So what makes an insensitive remark? According to clinical psychologist Ryan Howes,
Ph.D, “The problems happen when people make statements that imply that
mental illness is a sign of emotional weakness, it’s something that can
be quickly overcome with some trite homespun advice or they minimize it
as a minor issue you can just get over.”
Below are additional examples of problematic statements, along with what makes a good response.
1. “Get busy, and distract yourself.”
“With significant mental illness, [distractions] won’t work, not even
temporarily,” Howes said. After a person slogs through various
diversions, they’re still left with the same issues. “Ignoring the issue
doesn’t make it go away.”
2. “Do you want to get better?”
For mental health blogger
Therese Borchard, this was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said
to her. While she knows the person didn’t have ill intentions, it still
had a powerful effect. “It implied that I was staying sick on purpose,
and that I had no interest in pursuing health, not to mention that I was
too lazy or disinterested to do what I needed to do to get better.”
3. “Change your attitude.”
While a change in perspective can be helpful, it doesn’t cure conditions such as ADHD, bipolar disorder, PTSD or schizophrenia,
said Howes. And changing one’s attitude isn’t so easy either. “It’s
incredibly difficult for a high-functioning person to change their
attitude, let alone someone debilitated by an exhausting mental
illness.”
4. “Stop focusing on the bad stuff, and just start living.”
According to Barth, “one of the most common mistakes is to tell a
person to stop focusing on themselves, or on the bad things, or on the
past, and just start living.” Why is this so problematic? It can make a
person feel even worse about themselves. “[T]hey figure the fact that
they can’t do it is, in their mind, just one more sign of their
failure.”
5. “You have everything you need to get better.”
“This is well intentioned, but to me it sounded like an indictment
against me for not trying hard enough,” said Borchard, also author of
the book
Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes.
Plus, this might not even be accurate. Sometimes people don’t have
everything they need to improve. “Sometimes you need a little
assistance.”
6. “You can snap out of it. Everyone feels this way sometimes.”
Everyone experiences a range of emotions. For instance, everyone
feels sad occasionally. But sadness on some days isn’t the same as “a
hopeless pit of despair where it’s so dark I’ve forgotten what light
looks like,” a description of depression that one client gave to Howes.
Feeling anxious isn’t the same as having a panic attack, “a terrifying
lightning storm of despair, self-hatred and the absolute certainty of my
immediate death,” he said.
7. “Just pray about it.”
Prayer is powerful for many people. Centering yourself and feeling
support from a higher power can be very helpful, Howes said. “[B]ut this
advice alone can minimize the problem, ignore many proven medical and
psychological treatments and can even make someone feel like they’re not
being healed, because they lack sufficient faith, which adds insult to
injury.”
8. “Why can’t you work?”
It’s no doubt hard to watch someone who’s smart and capable unable to
work. But telling a person who’s already struggling that they’re lazy,
just making excuses or aren’t trying hard enough can be incredibly
hurtful, Fast said.
She’s personally heard the following before: “I don’t see why you
have such a tough time with work. Everyone works. You need to just get
over it and work.” Even just asking a question like “Why is this so hard
for you?” can make a person wonder what’s wrong with them. They might
say, “Why can’t I work? They are right and I am a failure!” Fast said.
“And they will push themselves too far.”
9. “You have the same illness as my ______.”
Years ago, when Fast’s partner Ivan, who has bipolar disorder, was in
the hospital, she didn’t know anything about the illness. She told her
friend that Ivan had something called “manic
depression.” Fast’s friend responded with: “Oh. I know what that is. My
grandfather had it and he shot himself.” A person Fast barely knew told
her: “My uncle has that, but we don’t know where he is!”
“I remember every minute of Ivan being ill, and I remember those two comments the most — 18 years ago!”
The Right Responses
While reading this piece, you might be wondering if you should say
anything at all. “Silence is, in my experience, the worst response,
because it’s generally interpreted in the negative,” Barth said.
According to Howes, these are helpful responses:
- “[S]incerely express your concern: ‘You’re having panic attacks? I’m
so sorry to hear that. From what I’ve heard, that can be just awful.’
- Offer your support: ‘Please let me know if you need anything, or if you’d just like to talk.’
- Talk to them the same way you did before, which lets them know
your feelings about them or respect for them hasn’t changed; your
relationship is stable. They’re the same person, just dealing with an
issue that is less visibly obvious than a broken arm or the flu.”
When it comes to mental illness, people make everything from
insensitive to totally outrageous comments. When in doubt, Howes
suggested offering “compassion, support and stability in your
relationship and leav[ing] the advice to the psychological or medical
experts… [A]ny advice beyond ‘I hope you’ve found good, caring
treatment’ and ‘come talk to me anytime’ can be experienced as intrusive
and can even cause more problems.”
For more on this topic, read Borchard’s pieces on what not to say to someone with depression and what to say.
